Circle

So here I am again. Defeated, defeated by my own self. A prisoner of depression, but forced to walk as if I am free.

What is this, what am I doing to myself? How do you control it? How do I make it stop? I am tired of this battle, I continue to fight it. I’m tired. Oh I am tired.

It started yesterday evening, it sneaks up on me like a SWAT team. And holds me hostage like a professional terrorist.

I yelled at my daughter this morning, I even called her a name. She is 3, who am I to ruin her life like that? I don’t want to do this anymore. No more hate. No more pain, no more uncontrollable anger, resentment, seclusion.

Someone please pay the ransom, save me, release me from these chains...

I believe each time I am taken prisoner, I am taking deeper and deeper into their hiding place, I am afraid the next time I may not be able to find my way out

I am broken... I am defeated. How did I get here?

I left church yesterday feeling stronger, confident in my goals, willing to make sacrafices.

And by midnight I returned to the person I once was.

Ashamed of my self, my mind, my body, my thoughts...

How does someone hate themselves so much, I don’t think I should be a mother anymore, I think my daughter deserves better than me.

I would never hurt my daughter, but she tries doing everything I do, she wants to be me, but I am not the person she needs to be. She should be better than me.

And how is it I can not even pull myself together long enough for her to learn and grow from me.

I am a stupid idiot looser... I disappoint myself.

I think insurance restrictions, and fear of living in hell for eternity, are the only things keeping me from ending this horrible game that I play with myself and this world.

I’m just so tired. Of going in this circle, the endless up and down...

Tired... Tired... Tired... Tired...

I am broken... Defeated...

My heart and my mind are so heavy right now... I just want to sleep until I am better. ..

If I could go back, I don’t even know how far to go back. Where did it all begin?

Were the hard times...?
Was it watching my family being torn apart by drugs, and crime?
Or does it go back to my older male cousins making me do things because I was the only girl.
Or was it when my family members would call me fat, because I wasn’t as skinny as my other cousins...

I always thought those things didn’t bother. I though I was over those things... I made it right?

I graduated from college, had a job... isn’t that what’s supposed to make you happy.

But I have NO LOVE...

No love for myself and no love from someone else...

I am just tired of the circle... that’s all...