A little better

Well,

I feel a little better today. I figured i would post some of the things that have happened since the last couple of post.

1. got that position i applied for.
- keeps me very very bus
- kind of gets on my nerves
- dont get to do any school work.

but i get paid a little more.

2. Had the opportunity to hang out with a friend I met about a year ago, he is really cool nice guy.. but lives far away, and has lots of stuff going on.

3. Mom moved out...
- more bills, plus i give her money for taking care of my rugrat.
- have my owns space

4. School is almost out for the semester,
- kind of jacked up my grades, doesnt look like i will have any A's but hopefully at least B's

5. Still single,
- been feeling kind of lonely
- had a little taste of what its like to share your life with someone, 2 weekends and would like to experiance more of that... dont think thats going to happen

So all in all..

things are not all bad.

just a bunch of personal issues
Lonely
still fat...
little hard on myself ...

but all in all i am blessed..

thank you Jesus

Life still sucks

well i was hoping the next time i dropped a line it would to spread great news...

but just wanted to stop by and remind myself,

that i am a fat stupid looser...

and that apparently will never change...

Nothing much

Well not a lot is going on. I have started my new job, and I am really busy so i dont get a chance to jot my thoughts down on the blogger much anymore.

But i dont really have a lot going on. nothing is really new. i am doing pretty much the same thing.. Being a mom, a student, and a provider...

Well i guess i will get back to work..

If anyone is reading this is I wish you well.. and many blessings...

16 Things You Did Not Know About Vodka

DID YOU KNOW THIS ABOUT Vodka ?


1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.



8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziplock freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.



11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

13. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.



14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the oil from your skin.

15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.



16. NEVER DRINK THE STUFF - IT'LL KILL YOU!!

Another day

Well...

as usuall I guess...

I did get that job I applied for. I dont start for 2 more weeks.. so i will be trying to get through these last two weeks in my current position.

My baby got her first child support payment.. 200.00$ 3 and 9 mos later... Wow... what to do with all that dough... my goodness...

and the best part about it, it came with a note, saying this money is keeping him from paying his bills, and it is going to cause him to move back home with his parents....
WTF.... i hate idots.. stupid bastard... dumm stupid bastard...

anyway...

i feel kind of crapy as usual. I feel so stupid and boring and fat... i hate my life sometimes... but i think i have said that before..

well im out...

Bored again

Well I am back at work BORED as hell...

I am getting kind of tired of this. I interviewed for a new Job on Friday, I heard good things, but have not gotten an offer. I am not really sure what to think about it so I am going to just leave it alone.

I was so bored yesterday I took vacation time, and just left early. I went to go see "Underworld II” It was sooooo good... i was very happy with it.

I have not worked out in over a week. I am such a freaking looser. I just don’t have the energy since class started... I complain about being fat, and then I don’t come through for myself. And today I was feeling so crappie I decided to go to Mc Donald’s...

How stupid is that. I had been doing so well. I had not had them in like 2 months...

N e way...

My mom is thinking about moving out... I was kind of excited. It will mean more bills to pay, but at least we can both have our own space.

But on to a totally different subject...

I want to feel pretty, everyone always says that I am, but I think just say that to be nice to me.

I have never felt it my entire life...

Wow... I am really good at complaining... WTF...

Well I am out...

Chill-axin

I thought a couple of these were kind of cute....

You Are a Bad Girl

You are 30% Good and 70% Bad You're a total bad girl, from your wild hair to tattooed toes. But you're too badass to even care if you're labeled "bad"!

Are You a Good Girl or a Bad Girl?

You are a Good Girlfriend

Maybe too good of a girlfriend, in fact. You will do almost anything for your guy. And while that makes you a great girlfriend... In this case, it also makes you a doormat

Are You a Good Girlfriend?

You Are a Good Student of Men

You're pretty good at knowing what men are thinking But you're not dead on 100% of the time Let your guy off the hook sometimes... because you may be reading him all wrong!

How Well Do You Understand Men?

SSDD

Well I don’t have much to say, or either I don’t feel like saying much...

It’s one or the other.

Anyway.

I a bored at work as usual. I have in interview on Friday for a new position. I hope it goes through because I could use the pay raise. But knowing my company, the pay is not going to be too much of a raise, but every little bit helps.

Started back to school yesterday, it wasn’t too bad, but the first week never is, they spend have the class going over the syllabus. And we don’t have lab, well at least for BIO for the first week. I am not sure about Chem. I will find out today.

I am feeling ok. I am a little sad, but not so bad that I can’t think of anything else.

I have some shit going on at the house that is on my last never, but I will have to put my foot down and end this situation.

I worked out for like 15 mins last night, I was really disappointed in myself, but I just could not do it. I hate the treadmill. I was on there for like an Hour on Monday night, but just could not do it last night.

I will see what I can make happen tonight. I should be home by 8:30 tonight we shall see.

I may have a visit from a friend of mine this weekend, and the sheer fact that I am some what looking forward to this means that I am STUPID...

But what can I say, I just want to be loved... wow I feel even more stupid after making that statement, because love is not what I will receive.

Wow, how does one become this pathetic... oh well?

I guess I'm out this MOFO...

Be blessed.

Well Hell

I’m back on the daily.

I start class tomorrow, not really sure how much I am looking forward to it, I still never finished reading the chapters I was supposed to read.

So I think I try and sabotage myself in some things that I find important

Like My health.

First off, I was doing so well working out, and eating well, but now I have stopped.

And then I want to complain.

Second relationships.

U knows what... forget it I don’t even feel like typing it...

Bottom line...

I do some stupid shit sometimes...

Nothing Much

Well,

It is the end of the week for me at work. I am doing ok today, looking forward to going home. I have been pretty busy this morning so it has helped the day pass.

I just found out this morning that my Electric bill is like 450.00 dollars for the month. That is total BULL SHIT....

I hate TXU; they are so full of shit. There is no way my bill should be that high. I only have a single level 3 bedroom house. It’s outlandish. My bill has never been that high, it’s just crazy.

I really need to change to another company, this is just crazy, but it still takes months to switch over.

I am going to have to get a second job, just to pay for the electric bill. This shit sucks...

ANYWAY...

Not a lot on the plate for this weekend, I need to get back in school mode for next week. I need to get prepared and refresh my supplies.

A couple of my friends wanted to have dinner or something tomorrow night so I guess I will be doing that if we can all agree on something.

Oh and I work at the hospital tomorrow, I am going to be in a place with little action, so I may take a MCAT book with me to read up on some things.

We are actually not supposed to bring reading material, but the place where I am going to work is quite 97% of the time, so I don’t think I will get in trouble. At least I hope not.

Well I guess I will be getting ready to go heat up my lunch, that I am not that excited about today. I also did not bring a fork so this is going to be interesting...

Later Dayz

Still Here

Dang,,,,,,,,,


I am still here. I am ready to go, I think i am going to have to cut out of here earliy today.

I was doing ok, but i got a little slow, and now my mind is wondering. Heard a few songs that are making me think of things that i am no longer supposed to be thinking of..

But the one thing that brings me back, is i was thinking this song is making me want to do such and such, but its not really true, the song is talking about love and being with some you are "with".

the images i have, are not about someone i am "with". which reineforces the fact that i am selling myself short, attempting to replace true love with meaningless lust...

i am trying to hold out... but honestly if i get a call this weekend i think i am going to have to go ahead and accept it and just cry about it later...

Man there has to be some good news to talk about ... lets see... hmmmmm.

i guess not..


MY LIFE....

Yet Another Day Up In This MoFo

Well Well,

Here I am again, sharing my heart with anyone who is willing to listen.

Things are going ok for me this morning, not to busy at work, but working u know...

I finally emailed my cousin and asked her if she would be intrested in moving out of state with me. Not really sure if thats what i want to do, but i am curious to see what she says, I doubt if she is intrested,

She would rather stay where her mom and sister are, even though she is kind of the black sheep there.. But whatever floats her boat.

i was kind of thinking myself if i really wanted to live in Philly, Its colder, more expensive, and more crime. and they dont have apartements that look like apartments in TExas..

Oh well..

i have been falling off on my work out plan, I am still eating pretty decent, but i have been working out for like 15 - 20 minutes and then i get board and dont want to work out anymore, well its not that i dont want to work out, i just hate the treadmill, And since I cant go to the gym I gotta do what i can.

I am affraid i am starting to get a little lonely.

I have not talked with any of my friends. Its kind of weird, its like I dont talk to anyone and then everyone calls and want to do something all at the same time.

But i promised myself, i would no longer hang out with my friends w/benefits, but i havent talked to them either, which i guess is a good thing, because it would be a test of my will power.

But as usually they will call when i am at my weakest. Not now when i am strong, and pumped up about my goals...

it will be when i have had a hard week, and just need a little attention.

but anyway I digress on that gargbage

got another email from my Baby daddy. What a freaking LOOSER...

i am not even sure why he sent the email, it wasnt to make plans to see my baby girl. oh i remeber ... he wanted to complain, because they finally started to take money out of his paycheck for child support... 250 dollars a month.


I have been the sole provider for my daughter for 3 years... and he wants to complain about 250 dollars a month..
I pay like 550 a month in just day care alone..

that does not include, medical cost... clothes, food, ... etc.

WHAT A TOTAL BUTT MUNCH...

ok.. well, i could go on for hours.. but i should probablly get back to work...

i will be back later.. to chat more..

Obviously need more interesting work to do.

I have a few minutes before i go warm up my lunch so i figured i would pass the time. I am to hungry to do anything requiring to much brain power.

A - Accent: not really sure but its not the tradittional Texas accent
B - Breakfast Item: had the instant Quaker oatmeal this morning
C - Chore you hate: scrubbing the tub.
D - Dad's Name: Cant remember
E - Essential everyday item: car keys
F - Flavour ice cream: Pistachio Almond
G - Gold or Silver?: Silver
H - Hometown: West Texas
I - Insomnia: yes, gotten worse since i have been a mother
J - Job Title: Project Integration Specialist
K - Kids: 1 : 3 year old beautiful Baby Girl
L - Living arrangements: Own my own home
M - Mum's birthplace: I think West Texas
N - Number of significant others: None, but hoping that changes... (wink wink)
O - Overnight hospital stays: at least 6.
P - Phobia: The dark, ghost, rejection
Q - Queer?: No thanks
R - Religious Affiliation: Baptist
S - Siblings: 1 older brother
T - Time you wake up: 5 something ish
U - Unnatural hair colours you've worn: Auburn
V - Vegetable you refuse to eat: well i have a reaction to raw fruits and vegies, so all of them!
W - Worst Habit: Cursing
X - X-rays you’ve had: abdominal
Y - Yummy: Anything cheesy & buttery soft bread...
Z - Zodiac sign: Leo

Better

Well,

I am feeling better today, i was actually doing a little bit better yesterday. I popped in my Floetry cd. The new one "Flo'ology" I love Floetry. The lyrics are real...

The parts in red are my favorite...

I love this song right here...

I'll Die
I’ll Die

Intro:

We are who we choose to be.

I’m responsible for me.

Hook:

If I stay right here,I’ll die inside.

Ran out of tears,I can barely get by.

It’s fair to say,That we tried.

You know I wanna stay,If I do, I’ll die.

Verse 1:

Coulda been another one of those,

Coulda made it,Shoulda made it,

Woulda made it,

Had I gave it

,Just a little bit more of my time.

Just a little focus,

Coulda broke this,

Woulda woke this,

Shoulda choked this,

Had I chose bliss I’dve left this infatuation,

Far behind,I’ll exchange my mind,

No more wasting time,

This process is mine,

In Your eyes,

My reflection is blind,

In your arms I decide,

This is our last night,

Goodbye.

(Goodbye)

I have to leave you.

(Goodbye)

I have to be true.

(So long for you and I.)

Hook:

Verse 2:

Been a addicted,

To the burden of the gifted,

To the sermon of the shifted,

Always praying to be lifted.

Always settling,

Never bettering.

How’m I gonna win,

If I’m not listening.

Always asking forNever noticing,

Every move I make,

This game’s reacting in,

Perfect symmetry,

I’m my destiny,

Must invest in me,

Or I’m just gonna be,

Victim of circumstance,

All is left to chance,

How can I enhance?

I’m afraid to dance.

I must break this trance,

‘Cause it’s deafening,

So I’m breathing in.

I’m breathing in.

Breath to get control of me.

I have to breath.

I have to be.

Hook:

Bridge:

What’s the use of living here,

If I don’t feel alive?

Denied mistakes,

So much I’ve done.

So much to cry.

I cry.

Hook:

http://www.floetry.net/discs/default.aspx/pid/2067

Circle

So here I am again. Defeated, defeated by my own self. A prisoner of depression, but forced to walk as if I am free.

What is this, what am I doing to myself? How do you control it? How do I make it stop? I am tired of this battle, I continue to fight it. I’m tired. Oh I am tired.

It started yesterday evening, it sneaks up on me like a SWAT team. And holds me hostage like a professional terrorist.

I yelled at my daughter this morning, I even called her a name. She is 3, who am I to ruin her life like that? I don’t want to do this anymore. No more hate. No more pain, no more uncontrollable anger, resentment, seclusion.

Someone please pay the ransom, save me, release me from these chains...

I believe each time I am taken prisoner, I am taking deeper and deeper into their hiding place, I am afraid the next time I may not be able to find my way out

I am broken... I am defeated. How did I get here?

I left church yesterday feeling stronger, confident in my goals, willing to make sacrafices.

And by midnight I returned to the person I once was.

Ashamed of my self, my mind, my body, my thoughts...

How does someone hate themselves so much, I don’t think I should be a mother anymore, I think my daughter deserves better than me.

I would never hurt my daughter, but she tries doing everything I do, she wants to be me, but I am not the person she needs to be. She should be better than me.

And how is it I can not even pull myself together long enough for her to learn and grow from me.

I am a stupid idiot looser... I disappoint myself.

I think insurance restrictions, and fear of living in hell for eternity, are the only things keeping me from ending this horrible game that I play with myself and this world.

I’m just so tired. Of going in this circle, the endless up and down...

Tired... Tired... Tired... Tired...

I am broken... Defeated...

My heart and my mind are so heavy right now... I just want to sleep until I am better. ..

If I could go back, I don’t even know how far to go back. Where did it all begin?

Were the hard times...?
Was it watching my family being torn apart by drugs, and crime?
Or does it go back to my older male cousins making me do things because I was the only girl.
Or was it when my family members would call me fat, because I wasn’t as skinny as my other cousins...

I always thought those things didn’t bother. I though I was over those things... I made it right?

I graduated from college, had a job... isn’t that what’s supposed to make you happy.

But I have NO LOVE...

No love for myself and no love from someone else...

I am just tired of the circle... that’s all...

Back on the Grind

Well, I have made it through another holiday season. Thank You Jesus.

I am back at the JOB... Not much new in the mix. I am ready to get back to class...

I still have not written down my new years resolutions. I guess that's a bad sign.

My major one, was to end and no longer participate in casual relationships. I am going to miss that. Even thought I know they are no good, and ensure a quick and strait path to hell.. And broken hearts...

I had a couple of hang outs over the holidays that were pretty nice, they were actually better than usual, which will make saying good bye to it even more difficult.

Hopefully leaving these things alone, will lead to more serious opportunities for actual love.
At least that is what I am going to tell myself.

And maybe I wont fell so ashamed at church, and single Sunday school.. =0 )

Sometimes my mind tells my spirit that my life sucks... Or maybe its the other way around. And sometimes I believe it.

But in all actuality its not really true. I think...

well.. I guess I will close out for now, I need to get back to work..